"I was born in California." "Which part?" "All of me."

"Do you know what really amazes me about you?" "No.What?" "Oops.Sorry. I was thinking about someone else!"

What has two hands and a face, but no arms and legs?  A clock.  What has a neck, but no head?  A bottle.

Where is the ocean the deepest?  On the bottom.

Q: How do you get ten English teachers to agree on the best teaching method?  A: Shoot nine of them.

The snail said, "Id go, but Im kind of slow. Besides, Grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so you know where to go."

An hour or so passed and still the centipede hadnt returned, so the snail and the grasshopper decided to go look for him.   They got as far as the the front door and found the centipede sitting there putting on his shoes.

Q. Why did the baby cross the road?  A. Because it was stapled to the chicken.

Do you know what he did with the brick?  He threw it away!

A man and his wife were arguing about family members. "Its just not right", the wife said. "You dont like anybody in my family!" "Thats not true," replied the husband. "I like your mother-in-law much better than my mother-in-law."

What is a bachelor?  A man who never Mrs. (misses) anyone.

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? B: Its a girl. Shes my daughter. A: Oh, Im sorry, sir. I didnt know that you were her father. B: Im not. Im her mother.

A: Why are you crying? B: The elephant is dead. A: Was he your pet? B: No, but Im the one who must dig his grave.

A man was locked in a room with only a bed, a calendar, and a piano. How did he drink, how did  he eat, and how did he get out? Another man was locked in a room with only a mirror and a table. How did he get out? A third man was locked in an empty room. How did he escape?    The first man drank from the springs of the bed, ate the dates off the calendar and played the piano until he found the right key, which he used to unlock the door. The second man looked in the mirror to see what he saw. Then he took the saw and cut the table in half. Next, he put the two halves together to make a whole. Finally, he crawled out through the hole. The third man broke out with the measles.

When a very tired man got on a crowded bus one afternoon, he could not find an empty seat. A small dog was sitting on one seat, so he asked the lady with the dog to put the dog on her lap. The lady refused and they got into a big argument. Finally, the driver stopped the bus and told the lady to put the dog on her lap.    When the man sat down, he took a pickle out of his pocket and began noisly sucking on it. When the lady told him the sound and smell was irritating, he told her she should have thought about being nice when he had asked her to move the dog. They began another argument and the lady threw the pickle out the window. The man then threw the dog out the window. Just then the bus stopped and the dog got in line to get back on. Guess what the dog had in its mouth? ---The brick!

The real estate agent says, "I have a good, cheap apartment for you." The man replys, "By the week or by the month?" The agent answers, "By the garbage dump.."

A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.. The busdriver said, "Thats the ugliest baby Ive ever seen."   In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, hes a public servant and shouldnt say things to insult passengers." "Youre right," she said. "I think Ill go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.""Thats a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Customer in a restaurant: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee Waitress : Is it enough Sir? Customer : What? Do you think I cant buy more?